Stories We Carry
Is It Okay To Laugh?
Laughter is an important tool for coping with stress, especially in difficult situations. My mother suffers from vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. Definitely not something to laugh about. However, I have to admit we often find ourselves in some pretty unusual circumstances where the alternative is to break down and cry. I have asked myself over and over again, is it okay to laugh? Yes. I give myself permission. Most of you may be familiar with the old adage, “out of the mouths of babes”. It is an idiom used when a young child says something surprisingly wise, profound or true, often at the most inopportune time. It highlights that innocent, unbiased perspectives can reveal truths that adults may miss or overlook. Most adults have that ‘filter’ before speaking, that crucial component of emotional intelligence and social maturity allowing them to assess if a thought is worth expressing to avoid causing unnecessary hurt, embarrassment or conflict. A well functioning filter relies on cognitive control (the prefrontal cortex) to pause impulsive reactions and evaluate the situation, timing and audience. As the disease has progressed, my mother’s cognitive function has decreased leading to some awkward moments when she just blurts out something inappropriate. Instead of out of the mouths of babes, for me it has become, out of the mouth of Mom.
I started to keep a journal about a year ago and I hope you can see the humour in some of these moments.
My mother used to go to the Alzheimer Society Adult Day Program. She made friends with everybody. One of her close friends was always looking for her purse. When I came to pick up my mother, she would complain about this lady, could not remember her name, but said she was repeating herself all day and kept looking for her purse that she did not bring. I found it somewhat amusing that someone repeating themselves was annoying my mother. One Hallowe’en my mother dressed up as a nun and kept saying “Bless you child” to everyone. Giggling like a school-girl, my mother told me, “A man asked me to dance.”
Seated in a restaurant facing a window with a poster of a sports figure endorsing a sandwich, my mother leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That man is smiling at me.” Sitting together with my brother, my mother turns to him and says, “You’re older than me, right?” During a baking activity one Sunday morning at the nursing home, my mother pointed out the window at the strip mall saying your brother lives there. Suddenly when mixing the batter, she turned to me and sternly said, “Sal lives across the street, what is he doing today and why isn’t he here helping make brownies?”. My brother lives in Sault Ste. Marie.
During a bra fitting, my mother exclaimed, “When did I get so busty?”. Driving home together from Ottawa, my mother turns to me with a very serious expression and asks, “Where did Gina go?”. As we walked by a mirror in the middle of a restaurant, my mother stopped and started having a conversation with her reflection thinking it was another person. She got very close to the mirror, saying, “I can’t hear you, you look familiar.”
A table mate at Mom’s nursing home commented on my dark tan and said that she is always so white. My mother chimed in saying, “You are white like a marshmallow.”. Every bumpy road we travel, my mother says the very same thing, exasperated, “Are they ever going to fix this road?”. During a visit with my brother (Sal), Mom asked where he lived and he replied Sault Ste. Marie. Mom said, “That’s where Sal lives!”. My mother’s first roommate in long-term care was a lady who was bed-ridden and non-verbal, but made noises when trying to communicate. Mom thought she sounded like a child crying and screaming, and would say, “She should be in a home.”. One of the PSW’s (personal support worker) tells my mother it’s time for her bath and Mom says, “Did Gina tell you to do this?”.
On my mother’s birthday earlier this year, my brother and I were sitting with her having a little celebration. A PSW asked how old she was and commented that she was a spry chicken. Mom gave her a puzzled look, then said, “Did you call me a fried chicken?”. Laughter is good for the soul because it acts as a natural, healthy medicine that reduces stress, boosts immunity and improves mental well-being.
Watching my mother deteriorate over the last 9 years has been heartbreaking, especially when she does not know who I am. I will continue to try to laugh whenever possible.