Care Partner Tip: Conversation

Below are some examples of words that may be on the tip of your tongue but often not be helpful for persons living with dementia. Sayings to avoid and why they may not work; as well as, possible ways to respond.  You will have to respond in a way that makes the most sense for your family member’s understanding and personality. 

“You’re wrong”

• Instead, help them with what they need or change the subject to one they can follow.
• It’s best to distract, not disagree. Don’t try to fight them on it; just change the subject and talk about something else – ideally, something pleasant, to change their focus.
• Try not to focus too much on the facts but instead the need. Connect not Correct.

“Do you remember…?” “Do you know who this is?”

• Instead, say: “I remember…”.  Share and see if they join in.
• When going over things that have happened, instead say, “I remember when we used to…” or “I remember when we went to that restaurant…” and so forth.
• This type of conversation is much more failure free, dose not call attention to their lost memory, or put them on the spot.

“They died, passed away etc.”

• Unfortunately, there’s no answer for what to do every time this situation arises.
• You have to consider the person level of ability moment to moment and what do you feel realistically the outcome will be.
• Be aware that mentioning the person has died may make them relive the loss or they may be upset thinking that they were not told.
• Often people asking for family members are looking for care in some form i.e. help with pain, help with tasks, or comfort.

“I told you…”

• Instead, repeat what you said.
• Remember that their forgetfulness isn’t their fault. Repeat whatever it is you’ve already told them and try to say it just as politely as the first time.
• This may take a lot of patience on your part.

“Why did you do that?”

• This can make them feel scolded or draw attention to their lack of ability.
• Simply they often also don’t know why “they did that!”