She has landed softly into peace

She has landed softly into peace.

My mother passed away yesterday. Tomorrow will be five years, to the day, that she was first diagnosed with Vascular Dementia.

Honestly, those years are filled with so many moments of hardship, frustration, courage, and sadness. It was hard being the point person who always had to do the things that needed to be done for my mom. It was one of the hardest things for me. To care for a mother who was not the mother I needed as a child.

What I have learned in these five years is that I needed to let go of my resentment. I had to look at this woman as an old woman who was in need of care and love. This has been a life changing experience for me. I was able to focus on boundaries, acceptance and peace of mind. I learned that she mothered with all she knew at the time and did all she could under the circumstances.

I swore that I would never be like her with my children and I was very successful in that way. But what surprised me was the notion that my experience as a mother was completely different from hers and that was because of her. I think if my mom had a chance to parent me with the knowledge and support, I have, she would have been a more effective parent. And knowing that gave me more empathy for her.

I can say now, that this last five years has actually been a gift for me. I was able to spend more time with my mom than I have ever since being a child. I learned so many things she never spoke of before and learned more about her life than I have ever heard.

As she fell into the path of dementia, I also was able to become the daughter she deserved. Resentment was taken over by empathy. I was more open and flexible because of the care she needed. I basically became her parent – and made a choice to treat her as I would my own children. This, in turn, made me focus on her in the here and now.

This last year has been the best year to spend with her. I had accepted her as she was, and she was so appreciative of my caring for her. I think I saw what she was like as a child, before trauma and her life situation changed. It felt like it took me mothering her in order to find my mother...

Five weeks ago, mom fell and broke the bone between her elbow and shoulder, and that was the final thing that led her to the end. Her last days, when she was in bed and her body started to shut down, were harder than I would ever have imagined.

I spent hours just sitting with her as she went in and out of consciousness. I naturally spoke with her as a child of a dying parent. It was a relief, really, to find that I was in the head space now where I could give her that name again – Mama, Mom – and feel absolutely no resentment or hard feelings toward her.

There was no dramatic ending, it was breathe out and then nothing. She was gone. It was a shock because she had been having apnea for up to a minute before breathing again. So, I sat, waiting for another breath that did not come.

As I sat with her for a couple hours, I was greeted with people who worked with her at the care home in the last two years.  They all had stories about her and talked about my mom with such care and affection. I wasn’t surprised because she was a smiler and she was gentler as the disease took over her.

I can say, I learned more and let go of so much in the last fives years as she slipped away. I am not grateful for her having the disease, but I am sure grateful for the lessons it taught me. I lost my mom, the one I loved but didn’t understand until recent years. 

She took her last breath and her entire body relaxed and I saw her. I held her hand and thanked her for teaching me how to change.  

I watched her leave with no regrets. And she landed softly into peace.