The slippery slide
Writing and story telling can be a powerful tool for understanding your experiences. Through the Lived Experience Partner Program, Don contributed his talents to a lived experience storytelling project, sharing writing that is direct, vulnerable and deeply honest.
For the last three years, I have been tumbling, stumbling, bumbling down an ever-increasing slippery slide. Over these last three years, comprised of 36 months, or 156 weeks, or 1095 days, or 26280 hours, or 1,576,800 minutes, and just as significant, 94,608,000 seconds, I have been steadily losing some ability to: control my anger, maintain patience with myself and others, analyze facts promptly, learn new things, make sound decisions, and have fading confidence in understanding the spoken word.
I mention the 94 million seconds that have passed since I started exhibiting and was subsequently diagnosed as having increasing cognitive impairment. The reason I brought those 94 million seconds to your attention is that in every life, split-second decisions and actions are completed without a second thought. I mean, common things like: walking, tidying up, getting dressed, catching a falling glass, answering the phone, taking a message, or setting the table.
Most of my second-by-second daily thoughts and actions are still reasonable ….. BUT!!! ….. without my pre-awareness, some of my decisions and actions are not reasonable as seen by others.
Most of the time, if others respectfully explain my error to me, I see my error, but sometimes, I accept their correction politely, knowing that I have the mental problem, not them. But the scary part for me is that I do not believe them!
I hope the above illustrates why I have lost confidence in most of my daily tasks. Hence, I have stopped doing many of my past activities if they have a risk of harm to me or others, for example: using rotating machines (tools) of any sort.
As each second ticks by, my feeling of confidence to act lessens, and I fear I am getting more delusional about what my senses are telling me.
I note that when subjects of discussion come up in daily life, I do not have enough ability, knowledge, or speedy wit to ask questions or to contribute anything. I do not mean complex issues, but little things like: What do you want for supper? What time is the game on TV? Where did you put the potatoes you peeled?
My long-term memory is disturbing differently. I liken it to fluffy sourdough bread with many airy holes in it. The above analogy is generated by the fact that I can remember certain instances from my past in detail, while right beside this memory are giant holes in my past memory.
When I recall so well, others must wonder if I am faking my present poor memory.
My overall lack of confidence has the effect of my choosing to spend a lot more time alone, as I am far less likely to be involved in communication or action that I am confused about.
I resist going to public places, like shopping, restaurants, clubs, and night school courses, as they are noisy, and people will likely talk to me, and I may have to acknowledge something, but I will not know what to say.
In summary, I have become an unsociable recluse or hermit even from my own family, and the slippery slide I am sliding down is getting steeper! I probably need more assistance and am getting less assistance.
I must admit that I am not a constant cheery delight to all those around me.
The above “Moan” may be uncalled-for, inappropriate self-pity, as I still choose to appreciate every day and not let the above issues crush me into oblivion, just yet!
Setting my thoughts to print, reading and rewriting them over and over to refine the essence of thought or lack thereof, in itself provides a balm.
By Don Cheeseman