How caregiving can transform resentment into empathy

When lifelong Kelowna resident Arlene Hildred's mother Hazel was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2021, doctors told the family she likely had five years to live. Those final years became an unexpected opportunity for Arlene to finally heal their relationship, replacing resentment with empathy and peace.

Despite being one of four siblings, Arlene became her mother’s primary caregiver. "I was managing my own health challenges and suddenly I was responsible for my mom."

During the first year after Hazel's diagnosis, life felt manageable – until a family trip revealed how quickly the disease had progressed. Hazel began forgetting to take her medications, spent nights pacing and became dangerously indifferent to risk.

As her mother's needs increased, Arlene found herself coordinating home supports, managing finances and making decisions on her mother's behalf. One of the hardest decisions came when it was no longer safe for her mother to live alone.

With just 48 hours to arrange a move into long-term care, Arlene had to lie to her mother. "The only way to get her there was to tell her she was going for more testing,” says Arlene. “She was so angry when she realized she wasn't coming home and I carried that guilt with me.”

Moving her mother to a care home closer to Arlene became a turning point. "I'd go and sit with her at lunch everyday," she says. "One day I looked at her and thought, 'She's just a little old lady who needs help.' Suddenly, I could see her differently."

For years, Arlene had carried resentment from her childhood. Raised by a single mother of four, she had taken on responsibilities well beyond her years, often acting more like a co-parent than a daughter.

Looking back, Arlene now describes those five years with her mother as a gift. They shared quiet lunches, reminisced about family memories and spent more time together than they had in decades. "I remembered at some point in her life she was once a little girl, a teenager and a mother with hopes and dreams," says Arlene. "When I was able to focus on her with the care that I had to give her, I was able to release the resentment."

Hazel passed away in May 2026 after spending 11 days in hospice with Arlene by her bedside. Although her caregiving journey has ended, the friendships Arlene made through our caregiver support group remain. She also continues to find healing through creativity, painting rocks and giving each one away as small acts of kindness for her community.

Arlene’s final advice to caregivers: "Give yourself grace and give the person living with dementia grace," she says. "I gave my mom grace because she did what she could with what she knew and the circumstances that were in her life.”