Care-life balance: A journey of joy and juggling
Tobias Jesso is a member of our Lived Experience Partner Program. He shares his art through writing and walks with us his caregiving journey to his wife Marsha.
Welcome to my rocky ride of finding balance in my life as I navigate the path of caregiving with my wonderful spouse, Marsha. Picture this: a life filled with laughter, unexpected twists, and a quest for joy. That is my default lurking deep within my psyche. My secret weapon against stress? Seeking out new and thrilling adventures that distract me from suffering. Adopting a positive outlook is my go-to strategy, but for a truly harmonious care-life balance, I need to embrace my strengths and share my feelings as we journey together. I tend to say “there may be problems in my life but I’m fine”. Often this means I’m not being honest about my situation to myself and hence to others. I need to expand my coping skills by being more open and honest by expressing my genuine feelings, being competent, and taking practical action. I need to base myself in reality and not bury my problems under facade of fun.
Reality One: The Great Interest Divide
Marsha and I are like two puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit perfectly together. Our interests? Wildly different. Our competencies? Even more so. But there’s one thing we both adore: Yoga. We hit the local studio almost every day, where we breathe, stretch, bend, and meditate with purpose and discipline honed over thousands of hours of practice. Marsha, a former gymnast, is a talented yogini. At 67, she flips into handstands with the grace of an eagle, while I, after over a decade and 2000 hours of practice, still struggle to do a simple headstand. But hey, yoga brings us joy, social encounters, and a healthy dose of recovery time. Marsha’s yoga competence? Check. I can enjoy something I am not naturally talented at like yoga if it brings Marsha and me joy and at the same time helps me cope by increasing my resilience through mindfulness and exercise.
Reality Two: The Disc Golf Dilemma
Enter my latest obsession: Disc Golf. It’s my new sport of 2024, and I’m hooked. Marsha, on the other hand, not so much. We’ve played a few rounds, but our skills are worlds apart. While I revel in the thrill of the game, Marsha’s enthusiasm wanes. Problem? You bet. Unlike traditional golf, disc golf is a quick game, but even a half-hour alone at home makes Marsha anxious and irritable. So, what’s a disc golf enthusiast to do? Enter my ingenious friend with a solution: Marsha as a caddy. Picture this: Marsha, carrying a backpack of discs, earning $20 for each outing. Marsha, the money-saving guru, loves this arrangement. She strolls around the course, listening to two old men brag about their epic shots, all while padding her wallet. It’s not perfect, but it works.
The Balancing Act: Calm Mind
These two examples highlight the intricate dance of enjoyment and competence when two people share a life. Care-life balance is the key. Balancing our feelings, interests, and competencies with those of our care partner can be a tricky tightrope walk. But one thing’s for sure: we both need to be winning to feel joy and avoid the pitfalls of anxiety and anger in our shared time together.
The Bottom Line: Boredom and Energy
What is "boredom” and what does it feel like in our body as a care giver compared to my partner. What is the sensation of boredom? As you are able to sense it, what associations or memories does it bring up to a care giver versus their partner? It may be odd to talk about boredom in the same post as life balance which usually deals with too much to do. However, stress is a byproduct of boredom and for Marsha being bored causes great distress. I believe this is because coming up with an activity to combat boredom is much harder for her than for me. I can jump right into my reels, news feeds, and many apps (hours of YouTube) to dispel my boredom but my partner doesn’t navigate the solutions so easily.
Our energy affects others around us and when either having too much on your plate drains your energy or not being able to use your energy constructively occurs we lose balance. The image that comes to mind is riding a bike. If your energy wanes by exhaustion or you stop pedaling because you forget then your balance quickly becomes difficult to maintain. Having the ability to still your mind is like being able to stay upright on your bike while not moving.
This leads us to our next topic. “Just sit” and meditation.
We are here and present in the moment.
We are grounded, alive and connected in our bodies.
We are open and receptive to truth and compassion.
We are clear and awake to the stillness of Mind.
We are connected to each other as one.
By Tobias Jesso